August 30th, 2022
Hello. Today is the first day I’m gonna start writing in this shitty journal. My therapist said it would help, but I look like a fucking dork. My dad is being a huge bitch and he took my door knob off my door because I said I wanted to kill myself. What a pussy. I know he wouldn’t miss me anyways.
August 31st, 2022
I’m so confused. My dad was hitting me just yesterday, and today, he’s being all nice to me. It makes no sense. I got grounded today for looking at his dumb girlfriend wrong. Fuck my life.
Nothing more to report today. I’m bored. Should I write “dear diary” when I start these dumb things? Or is that too girly? I’m still so confused. And tired. I’m always tired. I don’t feel like eating right now. My dad called me a stupid, manipulative, attention seeking whore. He said I make problems for myself, and he took me off of my meds. The only thing that helped me is gone now. I feel so lost and tired. I feel exhausted. I wish I knew what to do with myself.
Band was nice, I guess. My laptop is at 7%, hopefully it lasts. I kicked a paper ball to French. If nobody throws it in the bin, I’ll kick it to the gym, too. I made a new friend, her name is Elle. She’s nice. She drew me a picture.
I had a sandwich for lunch. My friends are playing with sonic dolls. It’s funny I guess. Some teacher got arrested. Scary stuff. I got gum from Maddox, and my next class is the last class of the day. At least I’ll go home soon. I’m gonna ask my dad if I can go to drama club.
Another day, another dollar, huh? My dad let me go to drama club, thankfully. I might go to the dance. But it’s all one big scam at the end of the day. Five bucks just to stay at school for a while.
I hurt myself again. I know I should stop, but it’s hard. I’m gonna go brush my teeth. Goodnight diary.
September 1st, 2022
Hello. Today, I'm in somewhat of a good mood. I realize I start most of my entries with “Hello.” I made a new friend today, her name is Isabella. She sits next to me on the bus. The bus driver keeps looking at me weirdly, I don’t like it.
My heart really hurts. I feel dizzy. I don’t know why everytime I walk I feel like I’m about to faint.
September 2nd, 2022
Hi. I feel hungry. Not for food, but for ease. I dunno, I probably sound dumb. What did I do to deserve feeling this way? Even good things hurt. I just keep getting sadder and sadder. I try to be grateful and I can’t. I just keep falling into a cycle of being sad all the time. Sure, I smile, but I’m not happy. I don’t want to cry. Not now. Not in class. I want to be strong.
Peyton said I was ugly. I guess I’m hard on the eyes.
I’m so sad all the time. I don’t know how to get better. I wish I was different. I wish I was a different person.
My dad talks about me like I’m not in the room. I hate it. He said that mom died a few days ago. I haven’t seen her since I was four. I cried a bit but I guess it doesn’t matter if she’s dead or not, because she doesn’t want anything to do with me anyways.
September 3rd, 2022
Hello. Nothing much to write about today. I finished a book today, and decided I shouldn’t go to the dance if I want to eat dinner. Food is more important than friends.
I hurt myself again. I went too deep, and it wont stop leaking. UUUGH. This is probably why I should stop.
My dad let me go outside today. I’m glad. I don’t get let outside much.
September 4th, 2022
My dad said he might let me have Christmas this year. I hope he does. I like not being in my room alone. My sister is going to a party soon. I hope she has fun! I had this odd moment where I was fine, I started crying, then I was fine again. I dunno.
I think my parents might be abusive. My dad’s girlfriend, Lacey, completely ignored me today. I said hi and she didn’t even look my way. She isn’t obliged to, but come on man. We’ve lived together for two years.
My aunt-in-law is coming over to my grandparents. There’s a lot of tension there. I don’t think I should go over for a while.
I can’t cry. I try but nothing comes out. It’s like a drain in my head is clogged or something. I’m still upset about Lacey ignoring me. She’s like a mother to me.
I think I might be a demigirl. I mean, I’m definitely not a boy. But I don’t think I’m a girl, either. I’m gonna see how she/they feels and go from there.
September 5th, 2022
Hello. Me and my sister got into a huge fight and she slapped me for no reason. My dad said it was probably my fault.
Lacey made me sleep in the attic again today. I don’t like sleeping up there, it’s all dirty and there’s spiders.
My sister played music for me. It was nice, I guess. But her taste sucks. Lacey is still ignoring me. At least I have my dog.
September 6th, 2022
Lacey called me fat this morning. At least she said something instead of ignoring me. I wish I could run away. From home, from my problems, from everything. I just want a break. I only have nine more years of school left, so that’s a plus. Then I can be on my own.
I went to drama club today. I met a cool person, their name is Kade. They had purple shoelaces.
September 7th, 2022
I missed the bus today. I sure am dumb. I guess it wasn’t my fault, because it drove past me, but my dad blamed it on me regardless.
There’s a test today. I hope I do well. It’s odd how insignificant everything is. Nothing really matters as much as people think. It’s all a waste in the end.
September 8th, 2022
The bus ditched us today, we had to ride the highschool bus. They reeked. I can sort of tell that my friends don’t like me. They talk about me behind my back so much.
I’m in shock. I can't believe it. The Queen is gone. I don't know what to feel. It's like a part of me has died too. I've always felt a special connection to the Queen, even though now I live all the way over in America. She's been a constant in my life, a symbol of strength and grace. I remember watching her Jubilee celebrations last year, feeling so proud to be British. I keep thinking about all the things she did for our country. She dedicated her whole life to serving us. She was always there, a steady hand guiding us through good times and bad. I'm going to miss her so much. I hope she's at peace now.